here was proof

"Really - I'm O.K." And he was, too, except that he could find no explanation for why the song had affected him so grotesquely. He had supposed for years that he had no secrets from himself. Here was proof that he had a great big secret somewhere inside, and he could not imagine what it was."

Slaughterhouse-Five, Kurt Vonnegut

I think, in a lot of ways, this school year has been more educational for me personally than academically in the sense that I've learned more about myself than I have in my classes. It's been a combination of a lot of things, but I think I'm able to see some things about myself now that I haven't been able to in the past. I've cultivated an image of myself for myself over the years. It's been one of a person of impeachable cognitive ability to deal with all things dispassionately. I think I've spent too much time looking at things in too wide a context. Things get lost in a sea of diminished relative consequence and emotional subtlety is cast aside. I haven't suddenly concluded that this kind of perspective is altogether wrong, but over the course of this year, under various circumstances, I've realized more and more the cost of neglecting subtlety. I've discovered I'm not as immune to anxiety and regret as I once thought. In not engaging with the fleeting disappointments and small tragedies that are a part of investing emotionally in the daily minutia, I've not developed a sufficiently visceral sense of empathy for others or myself. When I try to indulge that part of me now, it's a little jarring.

A list of things I'd like to do. One, see the aurora borealis. Two, become more of a relatable human being. I want to wake up and I want to be that man.

/Don Draper